Scared Yet Safe

   If you have had anxiety you know what it feels like. It's almost like you are trapped in a tiny space and can't get out. You have negative thoughts about yourself or the world around you. You feel unsatisfied and empty inside at times. I have had anxiety for most of my life and can justify any of the reasons why one might feel anxious. I worry about big things and small things, not realizing that it is affecting my spirit, and leading me away from or blinded to the truth. I feel as if I am surrounded with negative thoughts and feelings with which I portray myself. The worries seem to chase after me and it feels like there is nothing that I can do to hide from them. It's almost like a game of hide and seek but it always seems to find me no matter where I try to hide.

   I have come to learn though, that at the end of hard times, there is a light. Even in the midst of worries, there is something good to come from it. There are several trials that I have had to face throughout my life, and am realizing that there was always a lesson to be learned from it. My parents best friend's daughter passed away when we were 12. After her passing, I felt sad, and guilty. Shortly after she passed, I had a dream that I was looking out a window at a black sky, then appears Jesus and all he did was smile and wave, then he disappears. I was constantly asking God why she had to go, and why he didn't "give" me the brain tumor. I felt like she had a better soul than I did, so I should have been the one to go not her. Well, after 6 years of feeling this, I went on a retreat my junior year called Kairos. I realized on this trip, that the dream I had was God trying to say to me that he is love, that he is not a bad guy. I had come to the realization that I was worth more than what I had thought.

  The cool thing about God is that he gives us another opportunity each and every day to start over. If you want to change your perspective on things you can, if you need to forgive yourself for something that you did the day before, you can. How blessed are we to be given these free choices?! What a life we live!  It is so important to give thanks to God for what he has given us and blessed us with. It can be so hard to believe that God loves us more than anyone could in a life time. I think though,that in order to believe this, you must first see yourself as worthy of love. I have trouble with this because I see myself as such a sinner, but the thing is, is that we are all sinners by nature. Because we were born into sin, it is only natural for us to make mistakes, so don't put yourself down when you make one. Remember always, Life is good, God is great, and we are blessed.

What a life we live. Enjoy it,

Maggie