How I Knew God Was Speaking To My Heart

One day my mom, sister and I were visiting an elderly friend in a hospice home. Across the hall from our dear friend that we were visiting, there was a girl that couldn't be much older than me. It was obvious that she had cancer. She had no hair and looked like she was running low on energy. For the whole time that I was at this hospice home visiting my friend, I wanted to go over to her room and meet her. Just introduce myself and tell her how brave and courageous I could tell she was. Something was happening to me that night spiritually, and I couldn’t piece it together for some reason. It was like God was pulling my heart to go speak to this young girl. Well, I didn’t listen to him and I regret it deeply. Somehow, even though I felt as if the Lord was pulling me in the direction of going to speak to her, I failed him. I feel as if I failed myself, and failed that sweet, innocent, beautiful young girl. I feel as if I could have made her happier, or made her feel more loved than she knew she already was. Well, after contemplating on my regrets from that night for about a week, I realized that no matter how cliche it sounds, everything happens for a reason. Maybe, that girl would have loved for me to come meet her, perhaps not. I will never know. One thing that I do know, is the girl I saw was loved and had a family who wasn't going to let her walk the journey she was on alone. Although, I regret not going to speak to her to this day, I know that she is in a better place. It is not that I want to feel broken, but if God had placed this young girl in my life and we had become best friends, I would have done it without a second thought or being hesitant on the fact I knew she'd leave me because of her illness. There is beauty in brokenness and I think that is why I am almost drawn to it. I like to see the good that can come out of things. I have learned that we are all broken and there is beauty and light waiting to shine out of us.  

A few weeks after the battle I had with myself in the hospice home I went back with my mom to visit Florence, our 96 year old friend. One thing that broke my heart when I came in that day was that she had been moved to the room that the girl had been in. This had made me feel sad and regretful, the girl was gone and I blew my chance. As my mom and I were there for a while praying over Florence, I heard this loud TV in the next room. I went to go check it out and unbeknownst to me, there was this adorable old man laying in his bed looking bored out of his mind. I should have known better to be hesitant this time, but I was. I stood in the hallway for awhile smiling and watching him. I went in, introduced myself, and he seemed very pleased that I did so. We chatted for a while, he thanked me for coming and that was it. Although, it wasn't a teenager who was dying, it was my second chance. God gave me a second chance to make a person happy and put a smile on someone else's face. I took it and held it for as long as I could. Some old people don't love to have lengthy conversations much these days though :). 

Sometimes, I do not feel as it the Lord is with me and I feel almost empty on a spiritual level. It is not that I am in despair, I am not in a state of consolation, I am just okay. After this incident had happened I felt in desolation. I felt like God was upset with me and didn't forgive me for not listening to him. The truth is though, I was the only one who was upset with me, and I did not forgive myself. The beautiful thing though, is that no matter how bad you think you messed things up, God is always there as a safety net. He is our biggest cheerleader and will give us as many chances as we need. He's got open arms for us, and no time is better than the present to open our hearts towards him. So I hope that you will join me in listening to our hearts, treating ourselves the way we deserve, loving others and yearning for God with an open mind and open heart. God is good, Life is beautiful, and we are lucky enough to be living it. Let us make a commitment to God and to ourselves that we will live this life full of love and openness to our spiritual journey that we are all going though in different ways. 

What a life we live. Enjoy it,

Maggie