I Don't Want This To Be A Part Of My Story
Sometimes I feel unable to understand why God lets things happen in life. Things that are so undesirable and nothing that I would have planned or wanted for myself. At the same time though, I realize that my story is unfolding the way it is for a reason because God has a plan and a purpose for my life. I have been afraid of God for some time now. Not because he is actually scary, but because he has all these plans for my life that make me feel frightened to experience. I have already had so many things I have gotten to go through in life that has not been easy and it makes me weary to think what else God has in store for me. I realize this is where faith comes in. Easier said than done though!
I think I have shared this before, but a couple years ago I was not in a good place. I felt sad, hopeless, and was scared to live in fear of failure. At the same time, I knew I was blessed and I loved my life. I was confused as to why I was feeling this way. Unfortunately, because this was such a big deal in my life, I felt obligated to share it with my family, aside from my parents whom I knew would love me through it. Once I was able to tell my family what I was going through, I felt worst in all honesty. I felt that they looked at me differently, were scared of me, and didn't want me around them because they thought something was wrong with me. Truth be told, I felt bad for them. I perceived that they didn't understand anything about mental health and didn't realize that just because I was experiencing deep pain, didn't mean they should have been fearful of me. I had someone tell me, "I have never dealt with someone like you." I said to myself, "Wow. How do you have the audacity to say that to me?" This hurt me deeply and I didn't know how to respond, other than of course, feeling defeated and defensive all at the same time. I kept having to remind myself that all that person knew was that I was in a dark place, that they didn't know my full story. If they had known my full story maybe they would have treated me differently at that moment. Maybe if my whole family knew my full story, maybe just maybe they would have looked at me differently.
I learned throughout that whole process that one must earn the right to hear your whole story and that it is okay if you do not tell your story to certain people. As much as I love to be vulnerable with people, and people opening up to me, I didn't want others to see my whole being as something that was just a part of my story. I am loved, I am worthy, I am whole. If you struggle with mental health ( which everyone does at some point in their lives. Little or big it happens :) remind yourself of these things. You were made for a reason and God has big plans for your life. Do not let others make you feel inferior because you are a warrior. You are strong and you are capable of doing life in the direction you feel God is calling you to. Sometimes God puts things in your life to make you stronger. Keep praying even when you don't feel him and know that you are living loved.
What a life we get to live.
Maggie
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